"Would you by chance be interested in a free bouquet?" Ummm....sure, absolutely, I stuttered. "It's a bouquet of white roses, is that okay??" Yes, totally, that sounds great. She has no idea what that just did to me.
Why did the pick up grocery attendant offer free flowers? Was H-E-B just giving away free almost-dead flowers today or could she see that my eyes were puffy from an emotional night and lack of sleep? I had so many questions but all I could do was squeeze my eyes shut because I didn't want to be crying when she returned.
She brought them out, beautiful, fresh & full and I could barely get out the words "wow, thanks you just made my whole month" as she smiled and walked away.
Yes, I was sobbing as I drove out of my spot at H-E-B this morning. I haven't been to that grocery store for pick-up in a few months and today of all days they gave me such a beautiful bouquet.
I'm not one to over-spiritualize things...in fact, I'm usually hesitant to read things as "signs" from God. In fact, I've always had a hard time answering those group ministry questions "when have you noticed God moving in your life" or something along those lines and people always have those cool stories...you know what I'm talking about? And this is small, but this one was pretty freaking obvious. White roses are really significant in my marriage (for many reasons) and I couldn't help but feel like this was one, big hug from the Lord.
Which is funny, because last night I broke down to Chase about several things, one of them being that I've been feeling....let's say....abandoned? I'm not sure that's the right word 'cause it feels pretty dramatic to me. And what I'm feeling really isn't that dramatic...but I'm always trying to honor that I'm feeling something. I've been asking God for years to change my heart, make me more patient, help me be a better mom, and my prayers always seem to be the same and I feel like nothing is changing. I'm not changing. I'm failing. I'm not getting better. I'm ruining my kids. And doesn't He hear me??? Doesn't He know I want to do better? Doesn't He know I want to be less angry? Less reactive? Less judgmental? Less rigid? More gentle? More patient? More peaceful? They say the environment of the house starts with the mom and I can't help but feeling I'm creating a less than peaceful environment because of who I am. Of course my husband let me know how much I have changed and grown each year as a mother & person but I'm just too close to see it. I know that's true. I know I'm good & trying my best. But sometimes I wish God would just perform a miracle on me so I can see and feel that change in myself and be proud of it!! And when He hasn't I just...I feel stuck. I feel unheard and unseen. I stop my daily personal prayer and I walk by the door He has open and slam it shut for a while. I hate admitting that. But it's true.
Apparently I've been on a mission to avoid. Avoid what? Good question...I'm trying to sort that out and I'm struggling with it. So today, when I was given a beautiful bouquet of fresh, definitely-not-almost-dead white roses, I couldn't help but think "He sees me. He hears me. He hasn't left me. Yes, I have work to do, things to sort out and room to grow, but He's not making me do it alone."
Heck, he's given me a husband who calls me his white rose and holds me during those long, emotional nights.
He's given me an army of friends who pray for me, hold me accountable, and help mother my children.
He's given me kids who insist on listening to "calm Jesus music" as I'm sobbing out of HEB...children who forgive me when I apologize and are quick to tell me I'm "the best mom ever" regardless if I believe it's true.
He's given me so much. Y'all my life is so good and I'm not here to complain. Today those roses reminded me that He gives it all so freely. They're a nod on my kitchen counter reminding me that He's not leaving me to struggle alone.
It's been about two years since I last published a blog. Which means it's been that long since I've sat to word vomit and type out all of my thoughts. To be honest I'm not sure why I decided to write this down today, let alone share it on my old blog. But it's helped to process how I'm feeling and that the Lord showered me with roses today and I need to cling on to that right now. Maybe someone else out there needs to be reminded that His love is freely given to them, too.
Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks for being here. If you're experiencing some of life's growing pains too, know I'm praying for you.
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